As another semester of college courses ended for me, one of things that still perplexes me is the contrasting feedback that can occur in my course evaluations. While the majority are overwhelmingly positive (I probably wouldn’t have a job if they weren’t,) there are still some who don’t appreciate the class as much, or more specifically, me. While some would rate me as enthusiastic and passionate about the subject, funny, and extremely helpful, there are still a few who would say I am the opposite: unapproachable, uncaring, aloof. I used to scratch my head at how two people sitting side by side in the same class could produce such different interpretations. Obviously, I wouldn’t do what I do if I didn’t care about the subject, and everyone knows I am delightful—and funny—usually in an obnoxious kinda way. In all seriousness, I will continue to refine my messages to help reach people better. But I think *sometimes* the discrepancy lies in the fact not everyone appreciates what true caring looks like in martial arts, self-defense, and by extension, other areas of performance or improvement.
I recently had the pleasure of teaching a self-defense intro to approximately 50 girl scouts. As these were older girls, I had discussions with the leadership about how frank we could be and how realistic we could be with the language we could get. They agreed that realism was important to the effectiveness of the class. For the sake of transparency, disclaimers were made when they signed up for the activity. I warned them at the beginning of the course, and that if they needed to take themselves out of the class they could. No one did. Instead, parents ran and complained afterward about the language. I love it when people get triggered about a class that includes lessons on not getting triggered. Out of respect for my hosts, I did tone it down. For example, I was asked not to use the word whore, so I changed it to slut. Some moms thought they were doing right by their kids by protecting their virgin ears (as if they don’t ride a bus), but I was charged with a different job—to protect the whole of them. And while the PG version can be effective, it isn’t as effective, and ironically it is the ones who objected that probably needed the inoculation the most. And it isn’t that I don’t care about their opinion, but I care about doing my job, and what I believe is the best way to prepare their daughters, more. I wonder what their evaluation would be of me? Maybe they would use some words their daughters aren’t allowed to hear. I am ok with it, because my job isn’t to be popular, it is to be effective.
In his book Leadership Strategies and Tactics, Jocko Willink echoes a more cut and dry example. In making troops combat ready, you can’t worry about riding them too hard, stepping on toes, or staying on their good side by letting things slide. The goal is to get them prepared and able to return home to their loved ones. If you truly care about the troops, you want to keep them safe and get them home, and that means making them do a drill over, maintain discipline, etc., even when it is unpopular or downright painful for them in the short term. To do anything else is not being more considerate, it is being cruel if there is a chance it means they return draped in a flag.
Similarly in martial arts and self-defense, being gentler, softer, or more positive isn’t the same as caring more. Perhaps just the opposite. Is it more caring or cruel if we were to not adequately prepare our students for the realities of violence but inflate their egos by falsely praising their fighting prowess? Is it more caring or cruel to fail someone during a belt test, teaching them about accountability, or do we reward them even when they truly didn’t earn it? And by extension, is it more caring or cruel to let high schoolers graduate without being able to read? Is setting someone up to fail when we could have done better really being more caring?
And what about everyone else? By passing undeserving students, are we showing consideration to those who valued and met the standards? Jocko goes on to make the parallel that even in business, it is crueler not to hold people accountable for bad performance that hurts the company, because it means that everyone is less able to provide a good life for their families.
I think this problem has compounded in the era where parents are more interested in being their kids’ friend than being the adult. Both the parents are kids are more prone to confusing the concept of being nice with actual caring. While most of my friends have been or still are students, I certainly don’t start out with that being my goal. When you come to get the benefits of traditional martial arts training, our job is to provide that, even when it appears cruel in the moment. You might not agree with our methodology, and you don’t have to like all of our jokes, but don’t ever say we don’t care.
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Gentry Martial Arts--the rants of a martial arts eccentric 