Etiquette and Violence Part II—When the Child Knows There is No Rod

Last month I talked about how the decline in decency and etiquette in society is correlated to the decreasing chance of getting your teeth knocked out when such lines are crossed.   A big reason for the development of etiquette was to establish rules for when violence was warranted and when it wasn’t.  But today, many people whose behavior is reprehensible calculate and rely on the other person being more “civil” than they are, and not crossing that line into violence.     Based on feedback, a lot of you commiserate with me on this point.

Recently I saw a preview for a new TV show–I don’t remember its name or anything other than the gist of it.  A guy goes around giving people a beat down or what they otherwise deserve for their poor behavior.   The conflict is some people call him unhinged, but in his mind he is doing society a favor, restoring the balance that we discussed last month really does need to be restored.  I am not advocating outright or on the spot vigilante justice, but I have no doubt the show will do well, because it is going to touch a chord with many people.   Let’s face it, we have all seen people act poorly and thought to ourselves that they need a good thumping.  And to be fair, we have all deserved a few handed out to us as well.

This observation isn’t limited to adults either.   Some of us remember a time when the threat of corporal punishment was very real, even in school.   Nowadays, I routinely hear complaints from teachers about how they are rather ineffectual in controlling the child who has no respect for only their authority.  Similar to our previous discussion, a kid who doesn’t fear the repercussions of being in trouble because the consequences aren’t that bad, isn’t going to be deterred.

We have had several students who were enrolled in our classes because of behavior issues at school.  Behavior isn’t changed overnight, but we have produced some dramatic turnarounds.   During the process, I will get feedback about how bad things are at home or school, and often I make an observation such as “he doesn’t do that with me.”  Once I was visiting my own son at his elementary school. I had just made it in the door when someone from the office popped her head out and asked if I had “so and so” as a student?

“Umm, yes.  Why?”  I replied.

“Can you come in here for a moment?  He is in here throwing a tantrum.”

It stopped when I walked in and he saw me.   We still had a serious conversation.   I got the story from the office about how this behavior was a regular occurrence.    “Not in my school.” I replied.     Now I would like to tell you that this child is a black belt and a model citizen now, but  the truth is he quit.  But he got a lot further than most people thought he would.  I know he is a lot better than when he came to us, and as I said, he never was a problem in our classes.  Maybe we commanded more respect.  Maybe we commanded more fear.   Toma-to, to-mato.

Let me reiterate that I am not categorically advocating child abuse.    But how do you get so many poorly behaving adults, such as last month’s social justice bubba as an example? Well I am sure there are lots of variables, but no doubt part of it is, as the saying goes, sparing the rod when they are young.

And then they grow up.  And then they join martial arts classes when it is too late to fix it.   In the past month I have had the same conversation about two different university martial arts clubs (on two campuses, neither of which are mine, by the way).   A university club is a weird animal.  As a student run organization, the students have final say and more authority than a martial arts student typically would.   In case number one, I had a colleague rip the club leadership a new one for their poor choices and lack of example.  They complained, and he was reprimanded, as it is his job as “advisor” is to simply advise, not tell them what to do.    In case number two, the TKD school that was in charge of instructing the club for decades is no longer teaching the university program because of a philosophical impasse.  You see, the club officers felt it was too negative when the master instructor gave critiques and corrections on how to improve their sparring, etc.   So they decided to run it themselves.    Decades of continuity gone.  Why do I envision some of these college kids 10 years ago sitting at their desk and saying to their teacher, “Nuh-uh, You can’t tell me what to do.”?

On rare occasions I have had kids try that very tactic here during an intro.   They tell me they aren’t interested in doing something.   Do I try to find creative ways to get them to come around, or see that it is in their best interest?  Or explain it is my job as instructor to teach and your job to listen and follow.  Yes, I might try.  But on a few occasions I have simply cut the intro short and said we are done.   I know there are other martial arts instructors (probably more commercially successful ones) that would cringe at that statement.   But in my mind, the only lesson I am going to be able to give them at that moment is this:   their parents have chosen to put up with that behavior.  Their teacher at school has to.    But there is a big world out there that doesn’t have to put up with it, including me.  Hopefully that sinks in before someone else comes along and gives them the educational beat down they might deserve.

Naturally, I would prefer to keep them in classes, because it should not be a shock to you that I consider a big part of the solution for what ails society is martial arts training.   Martial arts instructors can be the proverbial rod that is often spared in grade school.  Mostly I am speaking metaphorically, but sometimes it comes closer to literal.   But one of our purposes is to help people in this regard, because if we don’t, someone else might just decide to do society a favor….

 

The Social Justice Bubba—What Happens To Etiquette When You Take Away the Threat of Violence.

Most people would agree that the level of civility in public has degraded rapidly in recent years.  Discourse has turned into bullying and histrionics on both sides of many hot button issues.   I may or may not feel strongly about some of those issues, but the one thing I absolutely cannot stand is today’s social justice warrior who is insufferably rude and verbally aggressive.  The behavior is akin to my FAST Defense alter ego, the lewd and rude persona I become for the boundary setting scenarios in the class, who is named “Bubba”.   These social justice Bubbas (we shall abbreviate as SJBs) are worse because they also tend to be self-righteous enough to believe they are justified in their behavior.

Recently a video surfaced of Senator Ted Cruz and his wife being confronted by a SJB while dining.  Depending on your leanings, some would say it was warranted.   Regardless of your leanings, you would be wrong and I truly feel sorry for you.   Others have applauded Senator Cruz for taking the high ground and retaining his composure.   I would disagree with that also; I think he took the easy way out by being passive.  I realize I am Monday morning quarterbacking, but I would suggest a more assertive response.      Anyone wanting to invade your space and get in your face (and that of your wife’s as well) isn’t interested in civil or even heated discourse.  You can do that from further away.   No, this SBJ’s actions were meant solely to intimidate and/or get a reaction they could then use to justify their actions all along.

Please note that this is not the most legally sound advice—in fact it would be a very hard sell legally.   Take it more like this:   if I were able to rewrite the laws, this is the way it should be able to play out.   But in my perfect world I would have explained to the SJBs that we could have a conversation from a reasonable distance away.  That I do not feel safe with your being that close (don’t most SBJs appreciate safe spaces?) and I will take further invasion of space to not be an attempt to voice opinion but intimidation, aggression and a threat to my safety and that of my family, and that if you cross that line again, I will feel threatened enough to defend myself.

To reiterate, I am not saying this is the right thing to do legally.  But I believe it would have been the right thing to do to start to restore the balance.   The SJB is emboldened to behave the way he does because he does not fear repercussion.  He is counting on social norms to protect him.  He has concluded there is not any real risk of violence for his despicable behavior.  (Some warrior he is).  It is this calculated balance of bully and coward that make this Bubba genuinely deplorable.

Many people think that etiquette is tied to civility.  In reality, what it is really linked to is violence.   You can’t have the former without the threat of the latter.   Etiquette arose in a time where violence was more acceptable, in order to establish clear guidelines of behavior and define when lines were crossed.  As Marc MacYoung puts it, if you crossed a line of etiquette, it meant you were being deliberate in your offense and you were saying you were willing to die for it.  It was the threat of violence that made most people think twice and stay in line.  In today’s more “civilized” society, the threat of actual violence is gone, deterred by an even scarier threat, the threat of being sued.   As a result, the bully/cowards are emboldened to cross the line because they are counting on their target to not cross their own self-imposed line into violence.  Maybe that connection is not so deliberate in their mind, but it is pretty easy to be a jerk when there are no repercussions.   So etiquette and civility break down without that check.

I hear stories of “back in the day” where if you crossed a line, such as insulting somebody’s wife, you would get punched for it.  And everybody would simply nod and say the offender deserved it, and that the matter was settled right then and there.  Call me a romantic, or just and old soul, but it is hard to argue that overall society is in a much better place today than compared to back in the day.   There are still subcultures where this is still more the norm, but SBJ’s do not belong to them.

The other important lesson to be learned by our students (who hopefully don’t behave like SJB’s) is to be aware of just how much we rely on other people following the rules for our own safety.  Making ourselves more vulnerable than normal is not good self-defense.

Just last week I had an interesting altercation while driving.   I had two teenagers who took issue with my three point turn in the middle of the road when the road was blocked ahead.   Apparently they were upset this caused them delay in getting to the same blockade.  As we passed each other, the passenger was leaning out the window from completely above the waist in order to waive his hands more emphatically.   He actions were big on self-righteousness but small on self-awareness.   I don’t think he ever realized that the only reason he is alive right now is because I was magnanimous and didn’t jerk the wheel over to cut him in half.  Or if I had a passenger with me, that they didn’t open their door and just knock him out completely out of his car—that might have been less lethal but definitely more funny.  He had assumed I wasn’t willing to do that.   But you never know what the other person is willing to do.  Or as my mentor Rory Miller puts it, “It is rare people like this realize how much they live at the mercy  of people more polite than they. “

As the above road rage story indicates, this behavior is not limited to SBJ;  it is a broader societal problem, not a political one.   But it is a societal problem that occurs when you take away any real chance of a good thumping as a response.  You are not acting tough unless you are willing to pay that price.  And people should also not behave in such ways in case the other guy is willing to make you pay up.

 

**Note, a lot of these concepts are discussed more thoroughly in a book on our must read list—Marc MacYoung’s Beyond the Picket Fence.  I just applied them concretely to a couple of examples.   But guys like Marc and Rory, who have dealt with a lot of violence, understand better than most just how arbitrary some of those lines of politeness really are.